Politics dislikeCommentary

Real Deal Election Reform

Hi folks. If you’re like me, and let’s face it, anything is possible these days, you may be wishing for a gentle yet thorough clyster or a coronavirus isolation room to escape the relentless drone from our political leaders, shakers and maximums-shitzboobins now flooding the airwaves and smart phones of this great nation. With eight months to go until we exercise the sacred franchise and pull the lever, the volume and frequency of ads touting the alleged virtues of politicians most of us don’t like and wouldn’t trust to take the dog out for a pee continues apace, with no relief and much remorse.

Ego knows no bounds, and when fueled by millions in dark money or the purported billions in the pockets of our latest iteration of nation savers, you can expect that your favorite TV shows will be interrupted repeatedly by these charismatic charlatans seeking to blow their horn, demand your vote and tell you why everyone else is a schlub. This impacts our pursuit of happiness, and I find that even with an aging bladder, I can get up and go to the outhouse only so many times in an hour to escape them. This is an opinion shared by both my Democrat and Republican friends alike, affording rare bipartisan support in these fractured times.

These ads all cost big bucks, and the pols rely on the aforesaid dirty money, their personal fortunes (same thing) and donations from people like you to pay for them. How effective they are at making you want to vote for one or the other of the candidates is open to question. Personally, I see it as a bad waste of good vigorish.

Therefore I advocate a more direct way to influence the common voter. My proposal is geared to stimulate our economy to even greater heights by infusing ready cash into my wallet and yours. It is a proposal that should pass constitutional muster in the particular historical time in which we live and drain the television swamp of those pesky, unwanted interruptions. Granted, it does nothing to bring us together as a people, but neither do our alleged leaders. So, whether you’re looking to Make America Dominant Again, Feel Bernie’s Body Heat, Get a Hug from Uncle Joe or a Lecture from Liz, lend me your ear.

My in-depth and rigorous research into the 2016 Presidential election revealed, thanks to Bloomberg News – there’s a curious source – that the combined campaign funding take for both Hillary and Donald Trump topped off at around $1.8 billion dollars. This was split unequally, with Hillary raking in just shy of $1.2 billion and El Cheapo willing to muster only a paltry $646 million. But history showed he didn’t even need this much, as the shrewd huckster made up for any perceived monetary shortcoming by floating his hate-filled attack ads for free in the Twitter cesspool as well as being afforded plenty of no-cost coverage by hapless media fools who deem the verbal flatulence of a presidential candidate as real news.

Who knew? He did apparently, and also knew where to spread it where it would do him the most good. Give him extra credit for being a fast learner, too. On the day of his 2017 Inaugural, citing the largest crowd in recorded history, pussy hats not withstanding, he also filed for reelection, allowing him to begin fundraising before his first tango with Melania at the Inaugural Ball.

Now enter the number of eligible voters who actually showed up on Election Day; somewhere just shy of 140 million of the eligible 219 million, or roughly 55%. The other 45% were either too busy cleaning their bathrooms or otherwise engaged. If each of those 140 million voters had an equal share of the $1.8 billion spent by the two headliners this would be, let me see…French School math……big numbers here……..carry the one…….I got it…….. $12.85 exactly! Not a whole lot, but a nice tip for showing up and carrying out your civic duty.

We might have to change a law or two so campaign workers could stand outside the polls to grease your palm on the way in, but there is ample, historical precedent for vote-buying. Some Irish pols of yesteryear mastered the craft until the Goo-Goos (Good Government types hated by James Michael Curley et al) raised a stink and screwed it all up. So I say let’s finally make it all legal and above board. From here on in, all ad money to be forthwith converted to voter participation incentives. Cash of course, no post-dated checks, coupons, vouchers or IOU’s. It’s a win-win. Two-person households could realize a cool $25.70. Have voting-age millennial’s at home living in your basement? Add them in for even more. Caring for aging parents in the attic? Load em’ up in the SUV and enjoy the windfall.

The secret sauce to my simmering scheme hangs on a guess that once the grueling, bloody, dragged out, internecine, indecisive Democratic primary hatchet murder concludes, the DNC will determine that the only way to beat one is to be one. Consequently, poor Bernie gets burned again at the convention, leaving Michael Bloomberg an “open lane” as the only logical choice to match the Victim-In-Chief dollar for dollar. A real billionaire in a cage match with a bankrupt one. This should drive up campaign spending to even greater heights; pushing our share price above $17.00 per vote. That’s change you can believe in. Cynical? Perhaps. But why let them steal it when we can make them pay for it. And as democracy chases civility down the rat hole, a few extra bucks in our pockets may come in handy. So, what’s in your wallet?

I’m Gavin Keenan and I approve this message.

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